


Take All My Fractions

by UnabashedBird



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Asexual Rey (Star Wars), Character Death Fix, Established Poe Dameron/Finn, Established Poe Dameron/Finn/Rose Tico, Established Relationship, F/M, Fix-It, Found Family, I recognize JJ Abrams has made some decisions, I've elected to ignore them, Kylo Ren Redemption, Leia Organa Lives, M/M, Multi, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redemption is complicated, Redemption is hard, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, but given that they're stupid-ass decisions, established finn/Rose Tico - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22076185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnabashedBird/pseuds/UnabashedBird
Summary: Ben lives, and Rey brings him back to the Resistance to recover. But turning back to the Light doesn't erase what he's done, and the road to redemption is harder and longer than one heroic act.
Relationships: Finn/Rose Tico, Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey & Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn/Rose Tico, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To paraphrase my friend Zeta, redemption by death is boring and lazy. The boy is gonna LIVE with his CHOICES and it's gonna be MESSY.  
> Although I enjoyed Rise of Skywalker there were several things that Bothered me and I'm just preemptively changing them for this fic. We therefore begin with the following assumptions:  
> 1) Rose was with the trio, which is a quad, not a trio, because she's in it. It was the four of them, not three, doing stuff, because Rose Tico is awesome and just as much a Part of Things as the other three thank you very much.  
> 2) The whole ridiculous "Poe used to be a drug dealer" backstory retcon is dead. Never happened. Poe was a pilot in the New Republic navy before joining the Resistance.  
> 2a) Therefore that whole sidequest to that place never happened, because let's be honest Abrams wrote the thing about them having to erase C-3PO's memory for two stupid reasons: to reveal Poe's backstory retcon and to try to convince us that Poe is straight. Thank God Oscar Isaac didn't get the memo.  
> 2b) And also most of the times he did "sketchy" stuff it was actually someone else, like Rey would know how to hotwire a vehicle for example.  
> 3) During the in-universe year between TLJ and TROS, Poe and Finn and Rose have successfully established a happy, healthy poly V, aka Poe is with Finn and Rose is with Finn and Poe and Rose are friends and sometimes all three of them do romantic and/or sexy stuff together. And they're all queerplatonic with Rey, which in this case mostly means lots of hugging and emotional support and whenever two or more of the four sleep in the same place they do so in a big cuddle pile.  
> 4\. Kylo Ren and Ben Solo are not two completely separate people with nothing to do with one another. Rather, they represent wildly different sets of values and goals. But they're still both names for the same disaster human who is trying to figure out what it means to do good now when up until recently he was doing so much bad on such an extreme scale.
> 
> Title is from the song "Fractions" by Through Juniper Vale, because I am occasionally a walking cliche.

Ben expected to die saving her. He was sure it was the last spark of his life that he gave her through the Force. Sure that, even if he hadn’t drained himself to heal her, he only kept himself alive long enough to get back to her. To die by her side, the way he ought to have lived.

“No,” Rey said, her hand still on his face after the kiss. _The kiss_. “No. I won’t let you.” And something surged through their bond and _tugged_ and he knew she meant it, knew she’d do something stupid and heroic to keep him alive if she had to. So he couldn’t let go just yet.

“I can’t heal you, I’m sorry. So this is going to hurt,” she said, and got to her feet, pulling him with her. _Hurt_ didn’t really begin to cover it. She looked up at the lights of the battle, the Resistance finishing off Sidious’ Final Order. “Look what we did,” she said softly, awe in her face.

“What _you_ did,” he corrected. He deserved no credit for this, only blame. Blame for every fallen soldier and pilot and mechanic and droid. For his mother, their beloved General, most of all.

“It was more of a general 'we,' actually. We, my friends and I,” she said, some of the old sharpness in her tone. But there was a twinkle in her eye when it caught his. “Still, you helped some with this last bit. I’m willing to give you a little credit.”

“I’m not.”

She began to help him slowly, painstakingly away from the throne. “Okay, let’s get this straight here and now: it’s not that you’re wrong to shoulder some blame for the First Order, it’s just that I don’t think throwing a pity party is going to help anyone. Your job when we get back is going to be getting better and then finding some reasonable ways to make amends. I think latrine duty, for example, would be very cathartic for everyone.”

It was hard to speak and hobble at the same time; he thought his leg was probably broken. “Whatever you say,” he managed.

She said nothing more for several minutes, and through the agonized haze of keeping his body in motion, of keeping his body conscious and alive, he realized that she wasn’t in much better shape than he was. “Rey—“

“Absolutely not,” she said through gritted teeth.

“You don’t—“

“Yes I do. We go together. I won’t leave you in this place.”

He still felt a steady pull through the bond, a lifeline made up of their Force connection and her indomitable stubbornness. When he was still Kylo, still heeding every dark whisper in his head because it was the only way he knew how to _matter_ , he’d thought he understood what it was, what it meant. But he’d turned back to the light, was trying to be Ben again, and everything was nearly the opposite of all his certainties. She hadn’t turned, he had. They weren’t sitting on the throne, they’d destroyed it. She wasn’t nothing, she was _everything_ , would have been everything even if her parents really were nothing but drunken paupers too ground down with misery to see the incredible light in their daughter. He hadn’t been willing to acknowledge it when he looked through Kylo’s eyes, but now he could see the bright beautiful lines of connection she’d forged with so many, from an astromech droid all the way up to his mother ( _his mother_ ). Strongest were the ones between her and the former Trooper, the pilot, and the mechanic. A quadrangle forged in the fire of the Resistance ( _of fighting him, he’d hurt all of them in so many ways, he shouldn’t be alive when so many people they’d loved were dead_ ), they loved and trusted each other with a fierceness he recognized from his childhood, from before he started listening to the darkness within and without. His parents, Uncle Luke, Lando, Chewie, even the droids. No matter how far their lives took them from each other, no matter how angry they were at each other’s mistakes, the ties they forged in the Rebellion never completely broke.

His bond with Rey was something else, something she never asked for or chose. It didn’t belong in that bright constellation of the family she’d found, the one that loved her for who she was and the choices she made, not for the legacy of power that chance and ancestry put in her blood.

And yet.

He and Rey had made choices, too, this past day. ( _Was it really only a day?_ ) Chosen the light, chosen to fight without hatred, chosen each other. Not for the first time, either. With Snoke, he’d thought it was just about power, and for part of him, the Kylo part, it was. But even then there had been more to it. If all he wanted was power, why reach out his hand and ask her to share it? She’d been right even then—he’d been beginning to turn, pulled by the bond, pulled by her light.

But what had pulled her towards him? The bond went both ways between them, it was undeniable. He’d thought, before, that she was drawn to his darkness, because it was her destiny to join him. And given recent events, given that blood might not have the last word but that didn’t mean it was silent, he must have been partially right. But she didn’t turn, never wavered in her devotion to the light, which gave him little choice but to accept that the light she saw in him was _real_. He didn’t accept that it made him worth saving, worth what she was doing right now, not when he’d done so much, destroyed so much. He’d been manipulated, he'd been hurt and coerced, but he’d also made _choices_. He was _responsible_.

She should leave him here. If he just stopped, if he just let himself fall to the ground and slip away, would she really risk herself to stop him?

_The wreck of the Death Star. Waves crashing. His mother’s death reverberating through the Force, the pain of it in Rey’s eyes. His own life leaving him via the mortal wound she struck. Rey, who still declared herself his enemy, putting her hand on the wound, pushing her own life energy down the Force and into him, saving him. “I did want to take your hand. Ben’s hand,” she said._

Of course she would. Rey was their heir, more than he could ever be. Of his father, standing on that bridge calling him home. Of his uncle, on that day of legend, dragging Anakin’s body from the falling Death Star. Of his mother, giving everything she had to give for the Resistance, finding the crucial moment to get through and change everything, one last time.

So he kept going, one limping foot in front of the other, all the way back to the X-Wing.

Ben passed out not long after they made it off Exogul.

The others weren’t going to like this. It would be hard to make them understand, and maybe they never would. Truthfully, she didn’t understand yet, either; all she knew was that it wasn’t just because, after everything they’d shared and been through, she couldn’t help but care about him.

The Force wasn’t done with Ben Solo, and neither was she. But for the moment she was far too tired and hurt and _spent_ to attempt to figure out why.

All too soon they landed on Ajan Kloss. “Ben? We’re here,” she said, reaching back and touching his shoulder. He groaned softly but didn’t come to. Maybe that was for the best.

Rey opened the cockpit and stood, scanning the celebrating crowd for . . . there. “Chewie!” she shouted, waving her arms to get his attention and gesturing him over. He came, Lando following close behind. She knew it was a risk, but she was counting on their love of the child they’d known, and their trust in her, overriding their anger towards the man who commanded the First Order and killed their friends. “I need your help with something,” she said when they reached the base of the X-Wing, and Chewie climbed the ladder the ground crew had helpfully wheeled into place.

“I know,” she said when he saw who was in the fighter with her and let out a startled roar. Ben stirred at the sound. “But he’s turned. He helped me; I’d be dead without him. Please, you don’t have to forgive him or like that he’s here, but if he doesn’t get medical attention soon he’ll die.”

Before she could say more, Lando interrupted. “Leave it to us, Rey. We’ll make sure he gets what he needs. You go celebrate with your friends.”

“You’re sure?” she asked, watching as Chewie lifted Ben with surprising tenderness and carried him carefully down the ladder, cradling him to his chest in a way he must have done when Ben was small and innocent.

“No, but if you say he’s turned, I believe you. And that’s still my best friend’s kid. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a monster. Not any more. War story for another time,” he added when she cocked her head in confusion. “Go! Victories like this don’t happen every day. I don’t have to tell you that there’s a lot of hard work ahead of all of us, but today is for celebrating.”

She nodded, and climbed down the ladder, scanning the crowd for her friends. Her _family_. The real one, the one that mattered, because they chose each other and stood by that choice.

“Rey!” There was Finn, waving and calling from where he stood between Poe and Rose. Finn and Poe had their arms around each other as if they were never going to let go, and Rose was nestled into Finn’s side as if he’d only released her long enough to wave Rey down.

She ran to them and they swept her into their embrace. They were _here_ , they were _alive_ , and they’d _won_.

"You're OK," Finn murmured. "I thought I saw . . . but you're here. You're OK."

Rey nodded, and perhaps it was the feeling of safety and warmth and you-can-be-done-now that being in their arms gave her, but she suddenly found remaining upright on her own beyond her abilities, and she sagged against them.

She only vaguely heard them all quickly agree that she needed medical attention, and then they were moving through the crowd.

“‘m fine,” she mumbled.

“You’re definitely not,” Rose said.

Rey was hazily aware of being helped into the medical tent, of being lowered onto a cot. There was the beeping of a medical droid, words spoken, hands gently but inexorably pushing her to lie down, covering her with blankets. Her awareness was narrowing rapidly to the glowing line of connection that stretched out from her chest, stretched towards . . . she blinked, trying to focus her vision. A curtained-off area across the room, Lando and Chewie standing there. 

Oh. 

Hmm.

She hoped it was only her own inability to stave off the suddenly overwhelming exhaustion she felt that was making the bond’s glow appear to be fading. _I’m not letting go_ , she thought down the connection. _So you’ll just have to stay alive. You hear me, Ben? I’m not letting go, so you have to stay. It isn’t over between you and me. Please hold on, Ben. Don’t leave me alone._

_You’re not alone_ came to her faintly, and it was two voices, not one, which made no sense. She _felt_ Leia die, how could she be hearing her now the same way she’s hearing Ben?

_I don’t want to be the last_ Rey amended, because they’re right, she’s not alone, but if Ben dies she’ll be the last Jedi, and if she had to sum up the wisdom she’s gained this past year, it’s that a Jedi alone was a Jedi who inevitably made terrible mistakes, with consequences that could reverberate throughout the whole galaxy. That was the lesson of Anakin, who isolated himself from the collective wisdom of the still-living Jedi order, and of the Masters who let him do it until it was too late. Of Obi-Wan and Yoda, who ran off to hide with their tails between their legs, rather than helping the Rebellion earlier, perhaps allowing it to succeed earlier. Of Luke, so terrified of the sins of his father, so sure that Obi-Wan and Yoda were perfect in their wisdom, that he couldn’t be what Ben needed, and inadvertently drove a powerful, terrified, _angry_ teenager into the arms of the First Order.

Knowing what was in her blood, knowing how easy it was to not recognize grave error until it couldn’t be fully corrected, Rey did not want to be a Jedi alone. She would give it all up, cut herself off from the Force and live as an ordinary woman, before she did that.

_I_ won’t _be the last_ she sent firmly down the bond, and lost consciousness.

Rey floated in a place of warmth and light, content and at ease.

_You did good, kid_. Master Luke’s voice, coming to her from everywhere and nowhere. _But you aren’t done yet_. _Not if you want to live_.

Did she? Wanting things seemed foreign to this place of peace.

_Snap out of it, Rey!_

Master Luke’s gruff command jolted her enough that she remembered that, yes, even though it was a hard place to be, she wanted to get back to the real world. To her friends, to a galaxy that was about to be free once more.

_Good. Now, what have you got in your hand?_

Her hand? She looked down. Gripped tight in her fist, she held a bright thread that trailed away from her and disappeared into the distance of this strangle no-place.

_Look closer_.

She did, and saw two things. First, what she held was not one thread, but two, twined around each other, one much brighter than the other. Second, the brighter thread went all the way through her hand and connected seamlessly with a similar thread that was attached to her chest.

_Ben_ , she said aloud, touching the bright thread. _He’s going to be all right?_

_Looks that way._

_What’s this other one?_

_You don’t need me to tell you that._

Rey felt a spike of irritation. _Is it something about being a male Master that give you the need to be so cryptic? Leia—_ and then she froze because, annoying as he was, Luke was right, she _did_ know what, or rather _who_ , the other thread was. But that was impossible, she’d _felt_ Leia die, how could—

_Are you sure that’s what you felt?_ Luke asked, as though he could hear her thoughts.

She thought back to that horrible moment on the Death Star. She’d been so terrified, so angry, at the revelation of who she was and where she came from. And then she’d felt Leia’s calm, sure presence, and Kylo had dropped his lightsaber, and for an instant she’d felt better, felt like things might actually be OK. But the next instant she’d felt Leia’s spirit leave her body, felt it in the Force, and everything in her was rage and _hate_ and she’d stabbed Kylo with his own lightsaber.

_Yes, her spirit left her body. But where did it go?_

_I don’t—_

_Rey. What. Do you have. In your hand._

She glanced down once more, at the two intertwined threads. _She stayed with Ben?_

_Yes. And when you tethered him to this life, you managed to grab her, too. He’s stable, now, so you can let go. You have to, or you’ll fade away yourself._

_What happens to Leia if I do that?_

_Depends. If you just let go, and let nature take its course, she’ll become one with the Force. Truly dead, but never truly gone._

_There’s another option?_ Rey asked, hardly daring to hope.

_There is. If you can separate them, you might be able to guide her back to her body. No guarantees, kid, and it’ll be a lot more dangerous for you than—_

_I don’t care. I want to do it._

_Somehow I knew you would._

_Will you help me?_

_As much as I’m able._

Rey nodded, determination coursing through her. She carefully loosened her grip on the threads just enough to find where the end of Leia’s stuck out. Slowly, ever so slowly, she began to unwind it from around Ben’s. It suddenly came to her that this was yet another task for which her years on Jakku prepared her: separating this thread and connecting it back to Leia’s body was the most important salvage and repair job she’d ever done.

Inch by agonizing inch she unwound Leia’s thread, coiling it carefully in her hand. At long last, she reached the other end of it, and the two threads were fully separated: Ben’s bright and connected with hers through their Force bond, Leia’s faint and coiled in her hand.

She looked around, feeling unsure. _Now what?_

_Follow me._ And now Luke’s voice had a direction, so she did as he said and moved towards it. _Here_ , he said after a short while. Rey looked around, and sure enough, sticking up out of the glowing mist of this no-place was a short thread with a frayed end, and she could feel that it went with the one coiled in her hand; more than that, she could feel that they wanted to be together again.

Cautiously, she found the end of her coil that was also frayed, and brought it together with its counterpart on the short piece. Before she could even begin to center herself for the healing she assumed she’d need to perform, the ends bound themselves back together into one, and the whole thing immediately shone just a little brighter. The quiet joy and wonder that washed over her came not just from within herself, but also from without. _Luke?_

_Thank you, Rey. Thank you._

And then she was pulled away into the warm, quiet darkness of true sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Rey opened her eyes.

Across the room, she felt Ben open his eyes.

His cot was still curtained off, but she shifted her focus to their bond so she could see him. He was still covered in cuts and bruises, and there was an IV needle in one of his hands. Odd bulges in the blankets that covered him indicated medical apparatus, based on their locations and how difficult getting to the X-Wing had been, probably dealing with a broken leg and injured ribs. She gave him a small smile and cautiously raised her hand in greeting, and only then noticed that she had an IV of her own. She must have been out for a while.

“Hey. Welcome back.” Her focus shifted away from Ben’s answering smile to Finn, sitting next to her cot and grinning with relief as a medical droid came over and began scanning her.

“Thanks.” Her voice was a croak, hoarse with disuse. She cleared her throat. “How long was I out?”

“Three long days. And you won’t _believe_ —"

“So, you two idiots finally decided to wake up,” came a voice from nearby, and Rey started so badly she managed to bang her hand painfully on the edge of the cot, while also feeling the echoes of the twinges in Ben’s more severe injuries from his own shocked reaction.

General Leia Organa stood at the entrance to the tent, leaning heavily on a walking stick.

“Leia,” Rey breathed. A vague memory came to her, of warmth and light and glowing threads. Had it really happened? Had she done this?

“Yes, and you nearly died in the process,” Leia said, answering Rey’s unspoken questions. Finn shot confused glances between the two women. “She’s not shielding her thoughts,” Leia explained. “I don’t even have to try to pick up on what’s at the forefront of her mind.”

Rey flushed, scrambling for the mental shields Leia had worked so hard to teach her. But this time, as she pulled them down around her mind, instead of starting with the place where her bond with Ben connected and making it strongest there, she left it open. Leia raised an eyebrow, and Rey found herself torn between glaring defiantly and shrinking in on herself.

“You’re angry with me?” she settled on asking.

Leia sighed, and entered the tent. “No, not really. I don’t think what you did was worth the risk to you, but given who your teachers have been, it’s not as if I’m surprised.”

“You mean . . . Leia, we need you. Of course it was worth the risk!” Rey protested.

“It’s not that I’m not happy to be alive, Rey, but you’re needed more than I am.” Leia held up a hand to stave off Rey’s protests. “Later. You and I will have a long talk about all of this later. For now, if the droid says your clear, I want you to go get something to eat with your friends, while I have a conversation with . . . our guest.”

The flare of stress and guilt and shame and longing from Ben was so strong Rey was sure Leia must have sensed at least some of it.

“With rest and nourishment, the patient will be fine,” the droid said, and removed the IV from Rey’s hand. Finn helped her stand—at first she thought she was letting him help her for his comfort, but quickly found that she needed the support.

“And Rey?” Leia said as she passed her.

“Yeah?”

“I can’t control what you two discuss later, but for the moment, this is a _private_ conversation I’m about to have, you understand?” Leia’s eyes bored into Rey’s. Rey swallowed and nodded, and, after sending a quick apology down the bond, pulled her mental shield over it, too.

She didn’t like the feeling. Now that she had a better understanding of what the bond was, now that he was Ben, she didn’t like cutting him off. It made her feel a little less herself, somehow.

“Clear the room,” Leia said as Finn and Rey left the tent. “Yes, you too, Chewie. I’ll be fine. You can stand at the door, if it will make you feel better.” Rey heard Chewie growl reluctant assent.

“ _Please_ tell me it isn’t who I think it is in there,” Finn muttered to her as they made their way to the mess tent.

“I don’t know, Finn, who do you think it is?”

“Well, what I’m desperately _hoping_ is that someone other than _Kylo freaking Ren_ is in there.”

“It’s not Kylo Ren.”

“Oh, thank whatever gods are listening.”

Rey felt guilty at the relief on Finn’s face. She’d told him the truth, but not the whole truth. “It’s Ben Solo,” she added.

“ _What_. Rey. That’s . . . they’re the same. So it _is_ Kylo Ren in there.”

“Shh. It’s not that simple. I will explain, I promise, but not until I’ve had some food. In the mean time, let’s not start a panic. Or a mob. Please?” She looked at Finn with pleading eyes, willing him to trust her, and after a moment he nodded. “Thank you,” she said, and they entered the mess tent.

“Rey!” Next thing she knew, Poe and Rose were there, Poe sweeping her up into a hug.

“Ow,” she she said, but hugged him back all the same. Rose smacked Poe lightly on the back of the head and gave Rey a much gentler hug.

“It’s good to see you two, but if I don’t eat right now I’m going to collapse again,” Rey told them, laughing.

“Don’t worry, we got you,” Poe said, and guided her to a table that contained, among what were probably Poe and Rose’s partly eaten meals, a tray piled high with all of Rey’s favorites.

She sank onto the bench with a thankful groan and dove in.

While she ate, the others filled her in on the last three days, which had mostly consisted of getting people and equipment healed and repaired, and of working their new allies into the Resistance organization.

“Because we might have won the big fight, but this won’t be over until we dismantle the entire First Order. Final Order. Whatever it is, we have to find every last base and hideout and enclave, or else this could all just happen again in another thirty years,” Poe said, jabbing his fork in the air for emphasis while talking around a mouthful of food.

"Technically it isn't done happening _now_ ," Rose said. "Since plenty of systems are still under full occupation."

"Yeah, but what's left of the fleet is in chaos, and if we move quick we can take advantage of that," Finn added.

Rey nodded slowly. It made sense, the way they explained it. Tactics and the overarching military scope of the whole thing had always felt beyond her, which was one of the many reasons that Poe and Finn were generals and she was just Rey who built and repaired and flew and trained with Leia in the ways of the Force. Truth be told, now that the Emperor was dead and Ben was on their side, she wasn't sure what her role was any more. Lucky for her, for the moment she didn't think she had to do anything but follow the medical droid's instructions to eat, rest, and recover.

Once she’d had her fill and shoved her tray away, Finn looked at her expectantly.

“Not _here_ ,” she said.

“Not here what?” Poe asked, looking between them.

“Come on,” Rey said by way of answer, and led the way to the cave the four of them shared.

“What’s going on?” Poe asked once they’d all found seats, Rey and Rose in camp chairs while Finn and Poe perched on the end of their makeshift bed.

“It’s Ren,” Finn said before Rey could speak. “Kylo Ren is in the medical tent, in the curtained-off area. Rey’s gonna explain why.”

Poe and Rose turned to stare at her. It was hard to meet their disbelieving gazes.

“He saved my life,” she told them. It seemed like the best place to start, the easiest for them to understand. “If he hadn’t turned on the First Order, turned away from the dark side and back to the light, I’d be dead now. The entire Resistance might be dead. He helped me defeat Palpatine, and then he saved me. So I couldn’t just abandon him on Exogul, could I?”

“I mean . . . you could have, though,” Poe said. “That’s great that he did those things, but he still . . . he’s still Kylo Ren. He’s been the Supreme Leader of the First Order for the past year. Think of all the terrible things he’s ordered, or done personally.” Rey watched a shadow pass over Poe’s face, and thought he was probably thinking of the time Kylo Ren interrogated him over the location of the map to Luke; she knew he still had nightmares about it sometimes. “After all that, I don’t know, seems to me if anyone deserves to die, it’s him.”

“Maybe you’re right. But I couldn’t do that, not then. That place, Poe . . . it was a Sith place, a dark side place. A place that _wanted_ me to abandon mercy and compassion. If I had, I’m not sure it would have been _me_ who came back.”

“So it’s a Force thing?” Rose asked.

“Some of it. A lot of it. But there’s more. Finn already knows, but I don’t think you two do, and it wasn’t our place to tell you. But since he’s here now, I’m sure it’s all going to come out some time, so I don’t think Leia will mind if you know a little sooner than everyone else.”

“Know what?” Poe asked.

Rey took a deep breath. “Before he was Kylo Ren, he was Ben Solo. Leia and Han’s son.”

“What?” Poe and Rose chorused.

“I know. I didn’t understand it either, before.”

“Before . . . ?” Poe prompted.

“Before Ahch-To. Something happened there . . . a lot of things happened there. The Force . . . it,” she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and spilled her secret. “It connected us. Palpatine called us a dyad in the Force. I don’t really understand what that means, other than that we share this . . . bond. We can see each other, talk to each other, and distance doesn’t matter. We can see into each other’s minds and feelings. And when we work together, it just flows. It’s like the universe gets quiet and everything makes sense and the Force flows through the two of us together in a way that’s so much _more_ than when we’re separate. I hated it at first, and then I thought I could bring him back to the light. But after he killed Snoke and we fought the guards, he still wanted me to join him in the First Order, and I wouldn’t, so after we got back I told Leia everything and she helped me close myself off from him. But it felt wrong, like I’d lost a piece of myself. I didn’t ask for this, but I can’t help what I feel, and without it he might not have turned, and we might not have defeated Palpatine, and I wouldn’t have been able to save Leia, so I . . . I don’t regret that this bond, this dyad, exists.”

“That’s . . . a lot to process,” Rose said slowly.

“I know,” Rey said. “I’m not done processing it myself.”

“So, this bond . . . let you understand why a kid born into a family of the most famous heroes of the Rebellion turned against everything good and became the leader of the First Order?” Poe asked.

“Umm. Yeah, sort of. It’s not . . . I’m not saying he’s innocent, all right? I’m just saying that there was a time when he was a scared, confused, angry kid who thought the only person who understood him or truly cared about him was the voice in his head. Snoke's voice. And then Luke made a mistake. He’d felt something dark growing in Ben, and he overreacted, and Ben thought Luke had turned on him.” She sighed. "This sounds like I’m defending him, I _swear_ I’m not. I just know that he doesn’t want to be Kylo Ren any more. He wants to try to be Ben Solo again, and he wants to do whatever he can to make amends for all the terrible things he’s done.”

“And you know this because of this bond you have?” Finn asked, finally speaking.

“Yes.”

“And there’s no way he could, I don’t know, use it to trick you and then betray all of us?”

“No. He wouldn’t do that.”

“But he could, if he wanted to.”

Rey shook her head, emphatic. “No, I don’t think so. When we talk to each other through the bond . . . it’s very exposed. What we’re thinking, what we’re feeling, it’s out in the open for the other to see, if we choose to look. It would be very hard to trick each other, maybe impossible.”

Finn’s arms were crossed tightly over his chest. Poe ran his fingers through his hair, and Rose was gripping the pendant she wore around her neck. Rey felt like she might cry. “I understand that this is difficult, I really do. But I’m not asking you to trust him, I’m asking you to trust _me_. Can you do that? After everything we’ve been through, can you trust that I wouldn’t bring him here unless I was sure he meant no harm?”

They glanced at each other, then at her, and as one they reached out and gently guided her onto the bed, laying down around her and holding her close. Rey buried her face in Finn’s chest; Rose wrapped an arm around her waist from the other side, and she felt Poe reach across Finn to rub her back. In the safety and comfort of their little haven, as they murmured to her that of course they trusted her, they were sorry to make her doubt that they trusted her completely, Rey finally let the tears flow. She cried out the fear and anger and pain, and they held her and soothed her until the flow finally abated.

“There’s something else,” she said thickly, trying to surreptitiously rub her nose on her shirt.

“We’re here,” Finn said.

“When I said I wouldn’t be alive without Ben . . . I don’t mean that he saved me from dying. I mean I was _dead_ , and he brought me back.” She felt them tense around her, and the quality of their physical contact changed, becoming somehow even more anchoring than it already was, while also becoming slightly tinged with desperation. "He almost died doing it, would have if I hadn’t refused to let him go. Defeating the Emperor took everything I had. I don’t really remember it, but I know I was dead and gone. And then I was alive again, and he was there. I’d thought he was dead—Palpatine threw him into a pit. But he survived, and even with all his injuries he climbed out and he brought me back.”

“Oh, Rey,” Rose said, giving her a squeeze.

“Doesn’t make up for anything, but I could almost bring myself to thank him for that,” Poe admitted.

“I’m glad you’re alive. Even if it means he’s here, that’s a small price to pay for having you,” Finn agreed.

Rey discovered she had a few more tears left in her, but these were of a different sort: tears of joy that, no matter how complicated and messy other parts of her life became, she had these three, and they had her.

Ben didn’t know where to look as he listened to Leia’s soft footfalls, coupled with the quiet _thunk_ of a walking stick, approach his cot. Forget where to look, he could barely remember how to _breathe_.

He’d felt his mother die. Felt her reach out to him, projecting her desire to have him back, have him home, staying his hand before he hurt Rey. And then felt her die.

And now she was here, alive, and he felt so many things he didn’t know what to do with, all churning and roiling in his gut, his chest, his throat.

Leia pushed aside the privacy curtain, dragged a chair next to the cot, sat down, braced her hands on her walking stick, and looked at him for a moment that felt endless.

His eyes dropped to his lap almost immediately, and as the silence dragged on he wondered whether he was supposed to speak first, and had to stifle a bubble of hysterical laughter at the memory of a cocky Resistance pilot he’d interrogated. _So who talks first? You talk first? I talk first? It’s just very hard to understand you with all of the . . . apparatus._ But immediately following was the sobering thought that there was a very good chance that that pilot was dead, and that it was his fault. And given the nature of the mission the man had been on when the First Order captured him, he would have been someone Leia knew and trusted. Someone she’d mourn personally and specifically when he died.

Another way in which Ben had broken his mother’s heart.

“You’re right in the abstract, but Poe Dameron is very much alive, so you don’t need to burden yourself on that particular score,” Leia said. “You’ve got no shields worth a damn,” she added when he started and glanced at her before looking away again.

“I wanted you to see that I’m not trying to hide anything,” he said to his lap.

“Uh-huh. Nice thought, but I have to tell you, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, I don’t especially need the burden of what’s in your head just now, so how about you button up?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he mumbled, and raised his mental shields. “And for whatever it’s worth, I . . . I don’t want to use that name any more.”

“Oh you don’t, do you? And what would you prefer? The one your father and I gave you? Because I seem to recall a certain someone spending the last decade and change insisting that Ben Solo, my son, was dead and gone.”

He knew he deserved the sharpness of her tone and every word she said, but it still hurt. “Well,” he said slowly, and forced himself to meet her eyes, “resurrections seem to be quite the thing these days.”

“Ha! Well well, maybe my Ben is still in there after all.”

“He’s trying to be,” Ben said, risking a small smile. He regretted it immediately, because the amusement vanished from her face and was replaced with intense sorrow. “Mom,” he said, and reached out for her, but she pulled her hands back. Tears pooled in his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I’d take it all back if I could. I’m sorry.” A few tears spilled over and dripped down her face.

She nodded slowly. “It’s a start. But you must realize, I’m not only here as your mother. I’m—“

“Here as a leader of the Resistance,” he finished for her, wiping at his eyes. “And I’m the enemy claiming to have defected. You need to decide if the potential benefits of having me here outweigh the risks.”

“That’s right. So start talking.”

“Umm. Where would you like me to begin?”

“Why should I believe this isn’t some ploy to destroy us before we have a chance to take advantage of the First Order fleet being reduced to nothing and its leadership dead or scattered?”

Even though he should’ve known the question was coming, his temper flared. “Because you can feel that I’ve left the dark side and turned to the light! Because I helped defeat Emperor Palpatine! Because I saved Rey!”

The stand holding the bag that connected to his IV began to shake, just a little. Leia arched an eyebrow and Ben inhaled deeply through his nose, the endless breathing exercises of his Jedi training coming back to him.

“I don’t think you actually have to be a darksider to serve the First Order—you just have to believe in what they’re doing and what they stand for. And maybe you didn’t like the Emperor stepping on your toes, taking over your organization, hmm? And Rey, well. Saving one pretty girl with whom you’re connected in the Force doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve switched sides.”

Ben stared at her, continuing to breathe deeply, trying to cool the anger he’d spent nearly half his life allowing to run rampant. “You could always ask her,” he eventually said through gritted teeth. "I’m sure she told you about the bond, how much it lets us see of what the other is thinking and feeling. She’ll tell you this isn’t a power grab or a . . . a _crush_. You don’t believe me, fine. Believe her.”

“Yes, Rey and I will be having a long talk. Probably several. But I’m talking to you right now, and I have to say it isn’t going very well so far. Let me put this another way: why do you want to help us?”

“To atone,” he said immediately, and felt the angry tension begin to leave his body. “I’ve killed and hurt and destroyed for years, and I think the worst part is that I thought what I was doing was _right_. Because I was bringing _order_ to a galaxy in needless chaos. But all I brought was pain and fear, everywhere I went.” He paused. “No, ‘atone’ is the wrong word. I can’t ever do that. I want to help so I can do penance. I expect nothing. If a galactic government is successfully reformed in my lifetime, they’d be within their rights to have me executed for everything I’ve done. But until that eventuality, I’d like to do what I can to . . . bring some balance.”

Maybe it was his imagination, but Leia’s hands seemed to grip her walking stick tighter than they had before he started talking about execution. “And how, exactly, do you see yourself doing that?” she asked.

“I haven’t had a lot of time to think it through yet,” he said, gesturing at himself and his surroundings in a pitiful effort to lighten the mood. “But I’m sure you need information, and I have lots of it. Probably not as much as I should, since I was actually pretty bad at being a Supreme Leader. But I’ll tell you everything I know about the First Order; anything you can think to ask, I’ll answer if I can.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Leia said, and took a data pad out of her pocket. “Let’s start with which generals probably survived Exogul, and how you think they'll proceed."

It took Rey a moment to realize what had woken her. At first she thought she heard knocking, but there were no doors so that made no sense. Then she realized it was more like the idea of knocking, and it was coming from inside her mind: a gentle tapping at the bond, asking for admittance. She lifted her shield from around it and sighed with relief at the sensation of wholeness.

And there was Ben, lying next to her as though they shared the bed--Rose and Finn and Poe had gone back on duty while she slept. He turned his head to face her, grimacing and gesturing an apology that he couldn't roll onto his side without displacing the devices that were expediting his healing.

They blinked at each other, and Rey smiled sleepily, but her smile changed to a frown when she noticed that Ben was looking even more worn out than he had earlier. "What happened?" she asked.

He sighed. "Nothing I don't deserve. Long talk with my mother," he added when she opened her mouth. "Really long talk."

"How do you think it went?"

He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Not too bad in terms of high-up defector to enemy leader. Pretty kriffing excruciating as far as the mother and son reunion. So I guess about as well as can be expected."

She reached out and took his hand, and it was as solid as if they truly were in the same space. The smile he gave her started just as warm and brilliant as the one on Exogul, but quickly faded into a sad, longing intensity.

"Why . . . " he trailed off. "I haven't even told you I'm sorry yet," he said instead.

“For what?"

He blinked. "I mean . . . everything."

"Yeah, but I know that already, or I wouldn't have brought you here, would I?"

"Doesn't mean I shouldn't say it. Does it?"

"No, you should definitely say it. I just mean, if you're apologizing, you might want to refer to at least a few things that are specific to the person you're talking to. Otherwise it won't sound as sincere. At least, not to anyone who doesn't share a mysterious Force connection with you."

"Ah. Fair point. In that case I'm sorry for kidnapping you, even more sorry for invading your mind during interrogation, and most sorry for trying to turn you to the dark side." He paused. "And I'm sorry for killing my . . . my father. I know you connected with him, that his death hurt you personally. I'm sorry I hurt FN--"

" _Finn_ ," she said sharply. "His name is Finn."

"Of course. Sorry. All the First Order records only ever referred to him by his designation. I'm sorry I hurt Finn. I--"

"Why are you apologizing to _me_ for that?" she interrupted.

"He's your friend, and you're a good person, so you'd have been upset. Well, that's a bit of an understatement. Even if I hadn't been able to feel your rage through the Force, you made it very obvious." He gave her a small smile.

She looked at him askance. "I'm not ready to joke about _anything_ that happened that day. Probably never will be."

"Right. Sorry.”

There was an awkward silence. Ben was absently stroking Rey’s hand with his thumb, but the sensation quickly became unpleasant, so she shook him off. Hurt, confusion, and just a hint of anger flowed through the bond before he could stop them—and she _felt_ him stuff them down to somewhere she wouldn’t sense them.

“It’s not you,” she said quickly, and took his hand again. “I don’t like . . . that kind of repetitive rubbing feels bad on my skin. It always has.”

“Your arm wraps,” he said, and she felt realization dawn.

“Sleeves were always too loose. They moved and rubbed and it felt bad. I think . . . I think I wore the wraps even before Jakku. And then they were just practical.”

“Keeps the sand out.”

“Exactly.”

“Okay, I’ll remember that.” A pause. “I really am—“

“Sorry. I know.” She sighed. “You have to understand, practically the whole time I’ve known I could use the Force, one of my biggest goals and hopes was convincing you to turn from the dark side. But now that it’s happened, I’m not sure what to do. Especially since—“

“Whoa! Rey, you remember I’m Force-sensitive, right?” Finn exclaimed from the cave entrance.

She turned to him. “You can see—?”

_Someone’s there?_ Ben asked, mind to mind.

_Yes_ , she answered quickly before returning her focus to Finn.

“No, but I can tell something’s happening, and after what you told us, it’s not hard to figure out what. And I’m trying to be cool with it, I really am, but can you please not do that in here?”

She felt her face redden, a hot rush of guilt going through her.

_What’s wrong?_ from Ben.

_Will you shut up!_ “Of course. I’m sorry, I should’ve thought, you shouldn’t even have had to ask—“

“No, it’s okay, you’ve been through a lot. Don’t beat yourself up. Just—“

“Not in here. Of course.” She sat up, and became aware that the feeling radiating from Ben was _jealousy_.

“Where are you going?” Finn asked, sitting down to remove his boots. “I wasn’t kicking you out.”

“I know. But the conversation wasn’t finished.” _Not even close_ she sent warningly down the bond, and headed for the medical tent.

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning, I have young children and a fickle muse, so I can make no promises about consistency and frequency of updates, but as with any author, comments definitely help with motivation!


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